I labored as long as I could in the bathtub, I was determined to have a natural delivery. When it was time to head to the hospital everyone laid hands on my belly and prayed over me. On the drive, Jake and I talked about who we thought she would look like, Ava-Kate (mini Jake) or Addie girl (mini Allie)? I shared how nervous I was to deliver her. The contractions continued to get more intense as we drove into the parking garage and walked to the labor and delivery floor anticipating the arrival of our Lily girl.
As we walked in the hospital they gave us a room. The nurses checked that my water had in fact broken and they put me in the bed and strapped those very familiar monitors to my belly to check for her heart beat.
Minutes later my sweet doctor came running in with the ultrasound. She had become such a dear friend at this point. We had spent so much time together over the last 34 weeks. I can't imagine the weight she felt as she had to officially tell me that Lily had no heartbeat, and that she had gone to be with Jesus. A pain that I have never experienced before in my life fell over me. I felt crushed. An unbearable pain that tears and crying out could never satisfy. It felt like an out of body experience. As if the pain was too much to bear and I had to watch from afar.
Honestly most of the timeline from here is a blur. I remember realizing I still had to deliver her... how could I ever have the strength to do it?... what would I tell the girls who were so excited to meet their new baby sister?...how would I go home without her?...what do I say when people ask how many kids I have?.. the thoughts didn't stop.
consider lily
THE STORY that BIRTHED our MISSION
In the middle of this, Jake looked at me and said “Do you still trust Him?” And immediately I replied “yes.” I didn’t know how we’d get through this, I just knew we would. I knew He would get us through it all. That His word would not return void. For a moment I felt peace. I could tangibly feel it in the room and I knew that He was with us and He had never left us and He wouldn't leave us in the days, weeks and months to come.
Jake made phone calls and texts he should have never had to send. Family came and tried to comfort the best they could. I felt as if it was all in slow motion. Like I wasn't even actually in the room but watching a reel of the saddest movie.
After hours of labor, on May 2nd at 12:01 am I delivered Lily Alexandra at 5 lbs and 14oz. My doctor placed her into my arms and I held onto her and never wanted to ever let her go. She was breathtakingly beautiful. A mix of Ava Kate and Addie but perfectly her own person (3.5 years later I would see that she looked exactly like my Isabella). She looked perfectly healthy. I kept thinking it was all a dream and that she would just open her little eyes, but she never did. She may not have been alive in our arms, but she was very much alive in heaven with her Creator, and that was my hope--that I would get to see her again one day. Jake and I held her and waves of sorrow crashed over us that I could never ever put into words.
We left the hospital the next day without our baby. Scenarios rushing through my head of how we would have to face person after person, and explain our new reality. I felt crushed. I felt weak. I felt so anxious. All I could do was just keep saying "Jesus" over and over. I knew He knew that was all I could do, and somehow that one word encompassed every lofty prayer I could have prayed in those moments. He heard my cries. He knew my needs and He knew how to meet them. As we drove home it was cloudy and rainy but stretched across the sky was the most beautiful rainbow. A promise. I heard him whisper that Jake and I would not go through this again and our pain would not be lost.
consider lily
THE STORY that BIRTHED our MISSION
Maybe you too have lost a child or you know someone who has... It is for that reason I share this story. Not to make you sad, but to share a story of redemption, a story of hope. To share a story that the enemy meant to take us out, but God used to make us stronger and to bring us tangibly closer to Him. To share that my incredible Father turned death into life in more ways than one. Lily's life did not go without purpose. Her short life was used to help so many. People have come to know the real living Jesus because of her. Jake and I trusted in a God that got us through the loss of a daughter and we want everyone to know that He is just as available to you if you let him in.
Jake and I had a choice to make in that hospital room. We could run away from God, choosing to believe the lie that He caused this or we could choose to run TO him, straight into His arms, trusting that He is the very best Father and the only one fully capable of seeing us through something so tragic. Ten years later I can confidently say, He fully kept that promise. I began to hear him speak to me in ways I never had before. I believe I heard Him so loudly because I was desperate to hear His voice. I made time to sit and wait until He spoke. I don't even think I cared what He said, just as long as he was talking to me, because when you hear His voice, and you hear Him say your name, everything changes. The pain is still there, but you can tangibly feel the hope, feel the peace wash over you and trust the process that one day, the pain will lessen and you can then share your story with others who are right in the middle of their worst nightmare. And prayerfully can bring a little light into their darkness.
And most of all, I share her story because He asked me to, and His ways are always higher and greater than my own. I pray that my story brings your comfort in the middle of your grief and hope that healing is possible. May you know that you are not alone in your suffering.
