Blog - Consider the Lily

Real Talk

Thu, 14 Mar 2019 18:18:00 GMT

Okay, let’s get right to it and get real because I’m not even good with small talk anyway, haha! The past 17 months have been incredibly hard for me, and my family. It’s just been one of those really pressing, stretching, almost unbearable seasons for us. So many unknowns and disappointments. So. Many. Unknowns. So much waiting. So many things I was hopeful for but then lost it as quick as it came because it didn’t go the way I thought it would…and honestly that’s just life. Listen, your girl was struggling over here! And when I look back, as hard as those seasons are, that’s where the really good stuff comes from. And I can only say that because I’ve been through my share of those seasons. I can’t say that I’m completely out of this one, but oh I can see glimpses. The majority of the weight has lifted and I’m so thankful for that. I didn’t quite realize how much weight I had been carrying around with me, until it lifted. I’ve learned so much in this time, and one of those things is how differently I carry stress than Jake does. As a woman, I feel things so much differently than he does, and I’ve really had to learn how that dynamic plays into this whole season. My tendency is to isolate. When things get hard, I don’t want to share, I don’t want to create or write or do any of the things I feel called to do. And honestly, that’s where I’ve been for a long time. That’s why I haven’t written anything because it all felt too personal, too raw and too exposed. And honestly that’s shocking for me because I am such an open book. If you sat down on my couch, and we drank coffee together, chances are I would tell you all that I was going through, but there was something keeping me from putting pen to paper, or fingers to a keyboard. This was a new discovery about myself. And it’s something I’ve had to work through and fight to overcome. So here I am, putting my big girl panties on, pushing through because I just know there is someone out there isolating in their own hard season.

If you’ve read through my other blog posts, you know that we lost a daughter almost six years ago. It was the hardest season we had ever gone through. But we got through it. And somehow we were different. I don’t want to use the word “better” because that implies that maybe we didn’t need her or miss her, but goodness we do every single day. Somehow we came out through it all more whole than before because if you give all of your broken pieces to God, he will put you back together, better than how you were before. I don’t know how anyone can endure such loss and grief without The Father. I hate that I lost her and wish daily that she was here, but I’m not blind to all the lives that were changed because of her short life that was lived, or the change it produced in my husband and me. And Jake and I had to remember how God got us through that season as we walked through this season, and honestly are still walking through. When God gave me the scripture in Luke, “Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.” It was a promise. A promise to remember that if he cares for the growing lilies in the field, will he not care for his own child? And in this season, I’ve had to look back on my that season and remember all the ways he cared for me. All the ways he picked me up and literally carried me through those hard days, and if He did it then, would He not do it again? Consider the Lilies. Consider Lily . Consider how he got us through losing Lily, remember how he did those things?… He will do it again. No matter what you are going through, remember those things that he has already gotten you through and let that be the hope that you hold onto. That he is good in all seasons. Even when it doesn’t turn out like we want it to. He is always good and always faithful and working on our behalf.

Does that mean that things won’t be hard as you walk through that hard season? Nope. Sure doesn’t. It still will be hard. It will be a daily struggle to hand over your anxieties, fears, unknowns to Jesus. But I do know that we weren’t made to carry the weight of them. We are crushed under the pressure. And God uses these seasons, these trials to produce fruit in us. To produce more dependence on Him, and less dependence on ourselves. And it’s all because He knows our nature is to try and carry it all without him. Its a practice that is necessary but incredibly hard to master, at least it is for me. So I just want to encourage you, you do not have to have it all figured out. Those unknowns may stay unknown for a while longer, but I’m here to let you know if you choose to let him have all of that weight, you’ll breathe easier knowing that your future is in the hands of the only One who was ever made to hold it.

I Will Never Homeschool My Kids

Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:07:00 GMT

“I WILL NEVER HOMESCHOOL MY KIDS” has most definitely come out of my house 20 plus times. I would always say, and I quote, “I will never homeschool my kids. God is gonna have to come and talk to me in his ‘Big God Voice’ and tell me specifically, because I will never homeschool.”

Well, here I am writing a blog on homeschooling, because God told me in his ‘Big God Voice’ that I was going to homeschool my girls. So basically don’t put absolutes on anything because you never know what will change. And honestly, I will say that I think I never wanted to homeschool because I didn’t want to give up my freedom as a mother. My two older girls have been in Mother’s Day Out 3 days a week since they were 2 and 3. So thats 5 years I’ve had at least had 3 days a week with some sort of time to myself or less kids at home… because in these last five years I’ve had 3 more babies. I’ve run women’s conferences in those 3 days a week, run a hand lettering business in that time, and of course doing ALL. THE. THINGS. i.e. grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning… Momming so hard. And it’s not like those 3 days from 9 am - 2:45 pm was ever enough time to get all those things done, but it surely made it easier. And I’m just gonna be real here, I am totally the mom that needs ample time to herself. I think every single mom needs that to a certain extent. I can promise you, a break from your kids to get some “you time” is good for your sanity. I need time to talk to adults and decompress. It just makes me a better mom for all my kiddos. So I think that was the biggest struggle for me, relenting to my designated “free time” for 3 days a week. But when it came down to what was better for my girls in this particular season, I chose what I felt was best for them and knew that I’d have to be intentional to get that time for myself in another area.

I’ve been homeschooling for all of seven weeks so I’m obviously the best and most seasoned mother to blog about this. Right? Lol nope. But I do feel like there are some things I’ve learned through this process that are worth sharing. I’m such a procrastinator, especially with things that God tells me to do, because usually He is telling me to do some unknown thing that calls for lots of unchartered territory. I surely did my part in procrastinating with choosing the girls’ homeschool curriculum. This girl right here had NO CLUE there were 1 million curriculums to choose from… until I posted on Facebook *one month* before I was supposed to start. And people were like, read the book “101 Curriculums” and I was like what? NO. Someone please just tell me what works for my kid because all that researching makes me sweat… That’s totally not my thing y’all. Yikes. Note to moms considering homeschooling, you should most definitely give yourself more than a month to plan this thing out. Anyway, I posted on Facebook asking what everyone’s favorite curriculum was and SO MANY comments came flooding in. I was like ummmmm what the actual heck, I did not know there were so many choices. (Cue me hyperventilating in a corner freaking out that I’d be ruining my kids for life because I would choose the wrong curriculum for them.) I x’d out of Facebook and went back to procrastinating. Sister need a second to think this through because I was completely overwhelmed. I needed cheese fries to make me feel better.

Then, my prayers were answered and my sweet friend Lauren called out of the blue to help a girl out. She had moved out of town a couple years ago and it had been a while since we connected. I can remember us probably 4 years ago (when she lived here) drinking coffee together talking about how we would never homeschool our kids. Yet, she’s been homeschooling for 3 years! So this was a girl I totally trusted and valued her opinions. Want to know the first thing she did? Validate that this whole process was, in fact, very stressful. Which totally allowed me to breathe for the first time in weeks. She shared her experience with me and also helped me choose a curriculum after many phone calls and texts. She was my total lifeline. She mailed me packets and info and went totally above and beyond because she knew just how stressed out I was because she had been there. She also said over and over that I would not screw my kids up, even if I didn’t get a curriculum I loved on the first try. Whoa. That was HUGE for me. And honestly, I feel like after talking to quite a few HS moms, almost every single one of them has the fear that they will somehow screw their kids up by inadequately teaching them. And let me just say this, You are their mother. You are the one that knows them better than any teacher will. So if you are on the fence because you think you are inadequate, just remember you made that child and you are more than capable. Does this mean I think every mom should homeschool? Absolutely not! I feel like both are so great. I mean I’m not even saying that I’ll homeschool for the rest of eternity. I think I will make a decision for each child, each year to determine what’s best for them. So please don’t take this as me saying every mom should homeschool, that is totally not my opinion. This is for the mom who is trying to decide, feeling totally and completely overwhelmed, and just needs a lifeline to talk things out and think things through without a panic attack (even though a panic attack might be inevitable at some point).

I wanted to choose a curriculum for my girls that would fit their learning style. They are visual learners and have great memories. They always have. They can learn the words to a song in no time. Ava-Kate totally rapped Lecrae in a talent show LOL. And she killed it. So for us, I felt like Classical Conversations was best, and so far, we love it. They are retaining information like little sponges and I’m blown away at how quickly they memorize the information. We are also using Saxon Math and All About Reading. This is not so you can choose the same thing as us, but just to give you a reference point.

Our daily schedule is still pretty flexible, which is how I like it to be. We get the little kids off to Mother’s day out and try to start our schooling by 10am. We don’t start until the girls get their daily chores done (brush teeth, make bed, brush hair/get dressed, put breakfast dishes away, make sure bathroom and bedroom is cleaned). Some days it takes them a WHILE to get these done and sometimes they fight me on it. But I love that I have the time to really instill this in them because as a family of 7, I cannot do it all and I’m 100% okay with that. Once we start ‘school’ it takes us a max of two hours and sometimes less. They LOVE art, so once we are done with our schooling they have the freedom to do as much art as they want to (as long as they clean up all of their mess when they are finished). This is hands down their favorite part. They would paint all day long, and now that we are homeschooling, it’s something they get to do way more. They spend a ton of time playing together and playing outside, and I love this for them. They also help out with whatever I need. They are currently folding all the kids clothes and putting them away. Now don’t start thinking our little routine is perfect, because I just had them hug it out for 15 seconds because they were just biting each other’s heads off. It’s all a process, I’m just trying to start teaching responsibilities earlier. I feel like I personally didn’t do a great job of that when they were in school 8-3 because they came home exhausted and then it was homework, play, dinner, baths and bed… I felt like it was all so rushed. So a huge plus for me is that I get to spend more time when them, teach them more responsibilities which of course helps me in the long run, and I feel like they are loving the whole learning process.

We have our hard days where I have to remind them (quite sternly) that I am the teacher. Some days they fight me or fight each other. Some days they cry because the other finished their worksheet first. Some days they lay their head on the table because they are already exhausted at 10am. Some days I don’t wanna do it. I’m like nope, I’m too tired and just wanna have a day to sit and drink my coffee (WHILE IT”S HOT), some days I feel like my own to-do list is too long and that I don’t have time. It’s not like it’s a total walk in the park, but I do feel like the pros outweigh the cons. And for a big family, it’s hard to get one on one time with your kids. Jake and I are always trying to reassess and try to give them that time. And y’all, that is so hard. Especially if you’re exhausted by an average day Tuesday. Having 5 kids 8 and under is surely exhausting even on your easiest day. I went from feeling like I never got to spend time with my big girls, except on weekends, to getting to spend all this time during the week, and I’m loving it. I mean I surely have my moment where maybe I wanna lock myself in my room to get a break… anyone else ever done that? No? K. Cool. But y’all for us and our family dynamic it just works in this season. It may not always work but once I realized it was okay to take this year by year, the pressure fell away. AND, in my circumstance, God asked me to do this. So when you are obedient in doing what He asks, the grace follows. You may not get the grace beforehand but you will get it once you start. So for us, it works. I’m loving the time with my girls.

So if you’re in a similar situation and you feel like you should homeschool but you’re super overwhelmed, know this…

You’ve totally got this!

Things They Don't Tell You About Having Babies

Tue, 26 Jun 2018 16:56:00 GMT

Y’all. I’ve been pregnant six whole times in 8 years. Sometimes even saying that out loud blows my mind. I can’t even fathom it honestly. Like when did that even happen? It all feels like a blur. And right now, I have so many friends who are currently pregnant or just had babies in the last few months. Even my sister is due in a week or so. And all these pregnant bellies and newborns really just got me thinking about how much is NOT talked about regarding pregnancy, delivery and the newborn stage. I just had a conversation with a sleep deprived mom of a six-week-old talking about all things baby. I can remember going through every single thing she shared with me and honestly sometimes all you need is someone to tell you is, “hey friend, I’ve totally been there too” or “Sister! That is totally normal!!” Well, let’s be real that’s probably not all you need. First and foremost, you need a nap, a shower, and a live-in maid who’s great at cooking (I’ll take one of those please!). Buuuuut I can’t help you there. My hope is that you’ll read this and laugh, and possibly learn a thing or two if you have never done the whole mom thing yet. So, grab a drink and some chips and salsa and let’s get real with each other! Disclaimer-I’m about to get veryyyy real with you guys, so if you don’t want to know the whole truth, just move along people!

I’ve learned quite a bit from the past 6 pregnancies and deliveries. The last 2 pregnancies I went completely natural. Honestly, that was always my plan but when you are 21 years old delivering a baby, sometimes pain wins and you choose the epidural (and that’s okay!). And you can read ALLLLL the books and do the classes but I don’t think reading about labor can prepare you for labor. It can help but for me personally, I had to experience it for myself. Once I learned how I labored and that each time was very similar and just got quicker and quicker, I knew that I could do it. And after having epidurals and going natural, I’m totally pro-natural because of the complications that came with the epidurals (migraines for weeks, numb hip for 6 months, etc). But I will say this, what I chose for me, may not be what you choose and that’s 100% okay. It’s your choice! I get asked this all the time, “did going natural hurt?” UM. HECK. YES. I don’t even understand these awesome mommas that are like “Having a baby natural was the most euphoric experience and I loved every second of it.” NOPE. Not me. I mean if that’s you, YOU. ARE. A. ROCKSTAR. But that was not me. And obviously it was worth it. I did it 5 more times after my first! But let’s be real here, you just pushed a HUMAN out of your VAGINA. It’s going to hurt for a while. Right after I push those babies out and they place them in my arms, I ask for 2 things—ICE and pain meds (and that ice is not to munch on OR for my head). I mean yes, of course when they hand you that baby, the pain fades ( ever so slightly) and you cry every tear because they just handed you the most precious baby that you have been carrying for TEN months (40 weeks people) for the first time. I mean how incredible that we get to partner with God to create life and carry them until they are ready for world. It never gets old, ever.

So, if you know me, you know I’m a pretty candid person and tell it like it is. If you’re sensitive, this may not be your jam! Maybe that’s why I never found a book that prepared me well enough because I want to know ALL THE THINGS. So here we go… Okay after you deliver that baby, you will have the glorious opportunity to see what your lady parts look like for the very first time post-delivery. YIKES. There will be swelling, I repeat, lots of swelling! Let me tell you, it will go back to normal and it will not stay that way!! BUT, I can remember after delivering my first, Ava-Kate, yelling out from the hospital bathroom in horror “OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BODY? JAKE! DO NOT COME IN HERE!” My lady parts looked like the work of a balloon artist…in training. I mean you just forcefully pushed a watermelon out of your va-jj, it’s going to take a second to go back to normal, ok? Keep that ice on rotation! Then you will be handed the “essentials” from a dear nurse. A squirt bottle to cleanse your swollen nether regions, a pad the size of a fluffy pillow, and mesh panties that will double as lingerie. Those mesh panties will accentuate your rear (that has tripled in size over the last 9 months mind you) and resemble a face being pressed up against a screen door. Your husband will be totally into it. Just go with it. KIDDING, obviously, but seriously Jake and I have had countless laughs over those infamous mesh panties. And which book told me about mesh panties, fluffy pillow pads and squirt bottles? NONE. So, you’re welcome. Or…I’m sorry.

Cue the engorged milk filled boobs. I never in my life thought that my boobs would get THAT large. I can remember after my first, sitting on the edge of the bed with my sister staring in awe at these cantaloupe sized boobs that appeared overnight. They were rock hard and I wanted to cry they hurt so bad. Holy COW (pun intended). And for the record, the milk squirts out of multiple holes, not just one. Who knew? Not this girl. Oh, and your “let down” is also quite uncomfortable, it’s like when your leg falls asleep and then starts tingling and you walk all weird until it feels normal. Yea, basically it’s the same thing, just replace your leg with your boob. It’ll get all weird and tingly right near your nipples. It’s basically when your boobs tell you it’s time to feed again, although your boobs can be quite wrong. A stranger’s crying baby can cause the “let down” and send your boobs into a tingling frenzy. And I hope you’re wearing breast pads because otherwise all of Target will see you just leaked through your shirt. And that’s definitely NOT embarrassing. At. All.

Let me just say that breast feeding was never easy for me, and I had a lot of chances guys. (we will call it BF for short from here on out, not to be mistaken for “best friend” because it’s more like an frenemy in my case) Ha. Okay, but seriously, NO one told me how painful it would be! And for all you people who say “If it’s painful then your latch was wrong”…LIESSSS. Let me just say that I have had ALL the lactation consultants, who told me it was in fact correct and it still HURT. With this many kids, I really mean ALL of them. I probably had every single one from Lafayette to Nola. There was bleeding people! And black and blue colors that should not appear, ever. Now don’t get me wrong I think BF is amazing. I prayyyyed and prayed that it would work, my journals are full of that prayer. I SO wanted to be the mom that could pop a baby on and not have to worry about them unlatching. I had to hold my boob with one hand, then hold their head with the other making sure they didn’t unlatch. And it took at minimum one hour. I can remember psyching myself up to work up enough nerve to start the initial latch. I would put their pacifier in my mouth, bite down hard and let out a little shriek as they latched while a rogue tear streamed down my face (while Jake was probably cheering me on in the background). I started out BF my first 4 kids, but they all ended up on formula at some point because I had to supplement. So, when I found out I was pregnant for Isabella (that’s a whole other blog in itself), I really prayed about if I was going to BF her or not because it was such a source of stress for me. I mean how many times had I asked myself over the years “Am I producing enough?” “Did I eat something that is upsetting her stomach?” “Did she actually eat enough or is she still hungry?” I mean those questions alone can drive you crazy second guessing yourself. I remember reading an article titled “Fed is Best.” It was a great article that talked about how sometimes your milk supply doesn’t actually come in, despite what people will tell you and feeding your baby is the best. For me, I knew that was my answer. So, for Isabella I went straight to formula and it was the best decision I could have made for US. I still had four other children to care for and my track record with BF-ing was not something I could have physically done and cared for my family well . Can other moms do it? Absolutely. But for me, I couldn’t so… I didn’t. And I let go of that momma guilt (and this took me months!!!). And I want so badly for those first-time moms to hear, LET GO OF THE MOM GUILT! Mom guilt is FIERCE people. And it’ll hold onto you like a vice. Surround yourself with wise mommas who will call it out and tell you to let it go. Let’s encourage each other and support each other’s decisions without being all “judgey” acting like our way is the best way, k? We all know how hard motherhood is so let’s just support each other along the way. A mom needs all the support they can get, especially those first few weeks.

The first few weeks of having a baby are really tough. At least for me they were. I call it the “newborn fog.” My body hadn’t yet recovered from the trauma from delivering the baby and I’d be up all hours of the night trying to learn just what this sweet baby needs. I would learn their cries (hungry, tired, gassy, mad) eventually, but hadn’t quite mastered them. Days are no longer days, you will basically just count the hours. Everything will be based on their next feeding and how much time you have to do the mile-long to-do list in the mean time (when Lord knows all you really want to do is nap). I dreaded the nights. Maybe not as much with my first baby because I knew I could sleep when they slept the next day. But definitely did when I had more than one kid. Because then the option of sleeping while baby sleeps isn’t an option. I would anticipate how hard the night time would be, dread the lack of sleep and fussy moments. And I was doing all of this while trying to work towards getting the baby on a schedule. I’m 100% a “get your baby on a schedule” person. It has worked best for my family and I need my babies to be sleeping through the night at 6-8 weeks and most of them did just that. I need them to sleep through the night, because I need to sleep through the night. I’m just not a super nice person when sleep deprived.

I also realized it’s possible to feel multiple emotions at once. Like when you are sleep deprived and exhausted to the point of delirium. It’s 3am and you’re up bouncing and “shh-ing” the baby to try desperately to get them to stop crying because it’s been an hour and they haven’t stopped… You’ll probably be crying with them and even a bit angry that they won’t stop and you don’t know how to get them to stop. You can love them so much it hurts, be sad and angry all at the same time. And a lot of it is just hormones mixed in with the lack of sleep. It can really do a number on your sanity. And this is the perfect time for the enemy to come and whisper lies in your ear “You’re a terrible mom because you don’t even know what she needs. You can’t even soothe her.” DO NOT believe these lies. I tell all first-time moms, staying inside your mind can be a really dangerous place. Why is it we have a tendency to stay inside our head having endless conversations but sometimes it can feel so hard to open our mouths and talk about what’s going on with us? I promise from experience the longer you stay inside your head listening to all the negative talk, the longer it takes you to get yourself out of it. Talk to your spouse, your friends and most of all Jesus! Find someone who has been through it and let them encourage you through it (and if their advice makes you feel worse, stop listening, BYE!). Isolation is the worst place to set up camp during motherhood. And let me just state for the female record, our husbands cannot read our minds. Sometimes they may, but most of the time they do not. Which means you will have to open your mouth and tell them exactly what you need from them in this crazy time. If you are BF and they can’t help with that, ask them to help out with the laundry or cooking. Whatever you need from them, try to be specific. Jake was always really great at this, and a lot of the time anticipated my needs before I knew what they were. Umm… like the time he locked me in our room at 7pm and told me to not come out until I had slept for at least 12 hours. Josiah was 2 weeks old and probably my hardest baby. I hadn’t slept and was a walking hormonal time bomb. He knew I needed sleep. And he took the baby for the night in the guest room. Pretty sure that’s way sexier than a bouquet of roses. So, the moral is communicate with your man a whole lot and then maybe he’ll start knowing what you need before you know yourself.

I could probably write a whole book on all of this, but I’ll leave it here for now. Motherhood is the most sanctifying process ever. If you let Jesus in on the journey, He’ll keep bringing you closer to himself. And that’s the goal, right? People tell me all the time, “I don’t know how you do it with all those kids.” My answer? A whole lot of Jesus (and coffee…and wine…). If motherhood has taught me anything, it’s that I know I can’t do it all on my own. I have to rely on Jesus to give me ALL THE THINGS—wisdom, patience, strength, patience, grace, patience… have I said patience yet? But truly, He’s been so close in those moments but I had to allow Him in. So, allow him in, let him guide you and bring you close. It’ll make all the crazy moments a little less crazy and the sweeter moments even sweeter.

And, find your tribe. Find the people who will speak TRUTH to you and do it in love. Ask them for help. Take naps and forget about the laundry. Leave the baby with dad or grandma and go to Target alone, walk those aisles aimlessly with coffee in hand, even if you don’t need anything. Why does Target feel like a vacation without kids?? Get a sitter and go on dates with your husband, I PROMISE your baby will be totally fine without you. When you are still in your pj’s from the day before, covered in spit up, hair a mess, and he walks in and tells you, “You look beautiful”… say thank you! Do not reject the compliments. If you are feeling your worst, allow your man to speak encouragement over you. Just don’t forget to come up for air when you are immersed in everything baby for the first few months. Take the time for yourself and I promise you’ll feel much better. We are in this together!

Here are a few scriptures to hold onto throughout that newborn fog, when the sleep is never enough and the nights are hard:

God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.
He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired… -Isaiah 40:31 (MSG)

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. -Isaiah 43:2 (MSG)

Trust in the Lord completely,
    and do not rely on your own opinions.
    With all your heart rely on him to guide you,
    and he will lead you in every decision you make.
Become intimate with him in whatever you do,
    and he will lead you wherever you go.
    Don’t think for a moment that you know it all,
for wisdom comes when you adore him with undivided devotion. -Proverbs 3:5-6 (TPT)

So here’s what I’ve learned through it all:
Leave all your cares and anxieties at the feet of the Lord,
and measureless grace will strengthen you. -Psalm 55:22 (TPT)

God, you’re such a safe and powerful place to find refuge!
You’re a proven help in time of trouble—
more than enough and always available whenever I need you.
So we will never fear -Psalm 46:1-2 (TPT)

Refine my heart and probe my every thought.
Put me to the test and you’ll find it’s true.
I will never lose sight of your love for me.
Your faithfulness has steadied my steps. -Isaiah 26:3 (TPT)

Don't Wait to Date

Tue, 22 May 2018 16:46:00 GMT

If you know Jake and me at all, you know we LOVE a good trip--with or without our kids. There is something about getting out of the routine and getting out of town. Jake and I just got back from a weekend getaway, and it got me thinking just how important these trips really are. I also wondered how many parents, or probably specifically mothers, won't take those trips because they don't want to leave their kids or don't have the resources to.

When Jake and I got married we talked a lot about how we wanted to raise our kids and how we wanted our marriage to look. I can remember reading a parenting book, Preparation For Parenting, and a page in that book gave us that "aha moment." Genesis 2:18 "It is not good that the man should be alone: I will make him a helper fit for him." Okay, side note right here, when scripture uses this word "helper" this is the greek word "paraclete" which means "advocate" or "helper" and in scripture is most commonly referred to as the Holy Spirit. Now that that's cleared up, God causes a deep sleep to the man and creates the woman from his rib, God says they are to become one flesh. Okay so God created man, but man was not good to be alone, so then he created woman. And they were to become one flesh. Man and woman. They were good together. Then they were to go and be fruitful and multiply the earth (Genesis 1:28). So the book explains that the man and woman did not need children to complete their relationship. They became one flesh just the two of them. There is no mention of God creating man, woman, and child as a necessity for each other. Children are a result of man and woman's relationship, but are not essential for the health of that relationship. I know that may sounds harsh as a mother of 6, but it allows me to see my children as a blessing, and my husband as God intended him to be. We have to remember that when it comes to our relationships, first it's God, next is our spouse, and then our children. Our children cannot become more important than the relationship with our spouse or God.

So in the beginning of our marriage, Jake and I decided early on, that we would put each other above our children. And obviously, there are seasons where the children are much needier than your relationship with your spouse. I mean when you have a newborn and FOUR other kids to take care of, things can get a little crazy. In the days when Isabella was a newborn, I legitimately felt like a crazy person at times because all I did was feed kids, wipe booties, sweep the floor 800 times, 2 loads of laundry a day, all while looking like a hot mess because where exactly does a shower fit in that scenario? BUT it was in seasons like these that we made time for each other. Whether it was being intentional with each other on the couch when everyone was sleeping and talking about our day, or calling a sitter, getting out of the house and letting someone else do bedtime (HALLELUJAH). These moments with my husband are like a recharge. When I feel like I'm overwhelmed with the mom duties, I know that I need to spend some quality time with my husband. I need to talk to an adult who doesn't call me "Mom" 198374 times a day. I need to hear his heart and dream and talk about life over a big plate of cheese fries.

So rewind to last week...I am starting to itch for a getaway. I needed a trip with my husband for my sanity. I was up to my eye balls in laundry, tired of making breakfast, lunch and dinner, tired of the routine and just needed some time to not be needed. Is anyone relating to this?? So I just started talking to God about how nice a little 2 day get away would be. And then Jake calls and says we were invited to go on a weekend trip with our friends for his birthday. THANK YOU JESUS. So I called superwoman, AKA my momma, and asked her to take the kids for the weekend, to which she replied "Of course!" (I'm telling you she gets jewels on her crown in heaven every time she babysits). I'm totally going to be that kind of grandmother for my kids.

This trip was so necessary. I needed quality time with my husband. I needed time with other adults. I need to be able to sleep without an alarm clock. I needed to be able to have rich conversations with people I love into all hours of the night. I needed to eat great food (without kids trying to steal every bite) and drink good drinks. And honestly as I was on that trip, I couldn't help but think about how much parents need to do this. I have always been the advocate for time with your husband ESPECIALLY when you have little kids. I think if you don't make time for each other when your kids are little, before you know it, they'll be out of the house and you're looking at this stranger like, "who are you?" I've seen it happen so often. Parents become "empty nesters" and then don't even know who their spouse is because they've spent the last 18+ years focusing solely on their kids. DON'T WAIT TO DATE your spouse until your kids are a little older, out of the house, your finances are better, or you have more time on your hands, (insert any other excuse you can think of).

So if you are a momma that is exhausted by their season, loving that season, but just a bit exhausted, maybe you could use a little get away with your husband too? It is so good for the soul, that I can promise. I can also promise you, going away and spending time with my husband makes me a better mother. And maybe you can't swing going overnight, but maybe it looks like even taking a vacation day from work to spend the day together. Intentionality goes such a long way. If you are a wife reading this, your husband wants to feel loved and made to be a priority. If you are a husband reading this, your wife wants to feel loved and made to be a priority. It goes both ways, sometimes it just takes one of you taking the initiative to make the plans.

Here are some of my favorite ways to be intentional with Jake:

My kids are all fairly young and don't necessarily always eat what I cook. I typically make the kids a dinner around 5:30 and then once all the kids are in bed, I make dinner for Jake and me. Sometimes its the same dinner just eaten at a different time, or sometimes it’s something special just for the two of us. It’s like a daily date night. We settle in on the couch, get cozy with our dinner and watch our favorite show or a movie. I SO look forward to this time with him. And some nights instead of me cooking when Jake knows I'm too exhausted to cook, it looks like ordering food. It's basically a date night minus paying a sitter.

I highly recommend budgeting a sitter a few times a month. I love to get a sitter to come during the "witching hour." Just having one night of not doing dinner and bedtimes can be so refreshing! And then we will go out to eat, see a movie, do coffee and dessert, all the basic date night things.

Weekend trips don't happen as often for us, but even just two nights away can be SO amazing. Our go to place is always New Orleans. There is always new restaurants and new places to see. We've been to Houston, utilizing family that has places for us to stay. And we aren't the type that ever makes a whole lot of plans because we love to just take it easy because our schedules are always so busy.

We've taken trips to Waco, TX to meet up with friends and do the whole Magnolia experience, gone to Johnnyswim concerts, and taken adult trips to Disney (Shh! Don't tell our kids). Dream about it! Save up money and go for it!

The trip we just took was a 2 night trip to St. Francisville. We got an AirBNB, went to cute restaurants that played Zydeco music, hiked trails, and spent time with friends having really amazing conversations.

Time with your spouse doesn't have to be this big grand trip, although those are really fun, it can look like whatever works best for your schedule and your budget. Just spend some time with your spouse talking about what are some things you would love to do to spend time together!

Lifeline

Fri, 18 May 2018 03:22:00 GMT

After I lost Lily and I started back to every day life, I realized that my head was full of so many questions. I wanted to know if it was okay to have these questions, does everyone have these questions? How do I answer them? Will answering them even make a difference? I felt like I just needed to know what to do. I needed a lifeline I could call when my head wouldn't stop spinning from the unknown and the pain. I just wanted to sit down and talk with someone who had been through what I had been through. I didn't really have anyone that had been through my exact situation, and you may not either. My attempt for this post is to be a resource to anyone who has felt immense pain and grief through loss. My process has been ongoing for the last 5 years and I don't think I'll really get to an end point, I think I will just continue to get more and more healing until I see my sweet girl again in Heaven.

I will continue to write about my process but I feel like there were a few questions that caused dilemmas for me very soon after we lost Lily.

"How many kids do you have?" This question. This question would catch me so off guard and cause me so much anxiety. The months after losing Lily, I was obviously very raw and vulnerable. My emotions were all over the place. I felt like if I didn't answer truthfully (3 kids, but only 2 living) that I was somehow dishonoring Lily, and that brought on immense guilt. But if I did answer truthfully, I could very well start sobbing hysterically to a complete stranger that was completely unprepared to handle my emotions. If you have lost a child, maybe you've had this same question. It was a question I asked for months...when finally had a sweet friend tell me "Allie, you answer that question however you want to in the moment. If you feel like you can say 3, then say 3, you don't necessarily have to tell your story to a complete stranger. If you feel like you cant, then you do not need to feel any guilt about that." I know this is so incredibly simple, but this brought me so much freedom. I didn't have to have a the same answer for the question, it could change. And I still do that to this day.

"When is it okay to have another baby?" The night we lost Lily in the hospital room, Jake asked me if we would have another baby. I think he wanted to know if my fear of this happening again would keep me from trying for another child. I answered that of course we would. I know that this is a process for some to get to, but for me I knew that we would, I knew God would bless us with more (and he sure did, we had 3 more after Lily). But, this was my concern... I only knew Lily inside of me. I felt her move and kick beginning at 14 weeks. If you've carried a baby in your belly, you KNOW that precious baby, even though you've never met. As crazy as it may sound, when I would think about being pregnant again, I would imagine Lily inside of me. I wanted to make sure that whenever we did get pregnant that I had enough healing to distinguish between the two pregnancies. I didn't want to replace her, Lily was her own person. I wanted to love this whole new person for who they were, not to fill a void that was in my heart. As I write it out, I'm not even sure if that makes sense, but that was a real struggle of mine. And of course I can't answer that for anyone else but all I know is that for me, I needed to reconcile in my head that it would be a brand new human growing inside of me. Not another Lily, not a baby to replace her, not a do over from tragedy, but only the beautiful experience of creating a new life.

"Is it okay to be happy?" I am beyond thankful I had two little girls to come home to after Lily, I know my healing process would have been so different if it were not for their beautiful faces that got me up every morning. But let me tell you, weeks after her death, I found myself shutting down laughter, smiling, or any sort of fun. I felt like I couldn't be happy because I was supposed to be sad. And YES it is so incredibly sad, BUT, it's okay to be happy. Guilt would rush in again. Let me just say, the guilt is not from God. The guilt is from the enemy that just wanted to keep me in a pit of sadness and never get out. Let me say it again, it is OKAY to be happy. You will need it. You will need laughter and smiles to heal your broken heart. And you are not forgetting your child by partaking in the those emotions. You also don't have to force yourself into it. Just listen to your emotions and know that you are entitled to feel every emotion under the sun, and I'm most certain you will feel them all, from anger to joy. Don't rush them away, allow them in. Remember its a process and give yourself so much grace.

Find time to journal, process your feelings one emotion at a time. When you can't even muster up the energy to write or pray, listen to music. Take time to yourself, but don't isolate. Allow your people in to your brokenness. Sit and listen to The Father. Give yourself time to heal, this will not be a speedy process. You must open up, do not stay inside your head because that can be such a dangerous place. Know that you will not grieve the same as everyone else, and that is 100% okay. And please know, you are not alone in this.

The book that I recommend to every single person that reaches out to me when they or someone they know has lost a child is Holding Onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It's the only book that didn't make me angry. This book was a game changer for me. If you struggling with grief, I highly recommend it.

Listening to worship was pretty much all I could do for weeks. I didn't have the energy for much else. Maybe a journal entry here or there or a simple devotion. But worship was the place I could bring my heart to Jesus and give whatever I felt in the moment to Him. I knew that if I did nothing, I would be in a dangerous place. And everyone is so different and will have their own process, I share mine in hopes it can encourage just one.

Here are some scriptures that brought me so much comfort in early stages...

"I will fight for you, you need only be still" Exodus 14:14

"but the Lord was my support, he brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me" Psalm 18:18-19

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more , neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" Revelation 21:4

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and s aves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm147:3

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28

" Fear not , for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name , you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you ; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you ; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame s hall not consume you ." Isaiah 42:40

"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you . Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me ." Isaiah 49:15-16

There are so many more verses that could be listed (just google it, you'll find what you need), but these were the ones, that as I read, they leapt off the page and spoke straight to my heart. I may not have always felt them to be true in the moment but I can see after five years have passed that these scriptures I clung to as air for my lungs, have come to be. He is fighting for me. He is healing my wounds, He has never forgotten me, and He is somehow working it all together for my good. And His word will never ever return void.